I lost my sense of humor. Somewhere in the year 2012 or 2011 maybe? It's debatable, the exact time frame, but my humor just slipped away unnoticed until one day I was taking myself way too seriously and couldn't stop.
When you are obsessed with yourself and how people perceive you, the first thing to go is laughter. This is no joke.
It wasn't until very recently that I started to put all these things together, when a group of ladies told me something to the extent of "I didn't realize you were SO funny! We thought you were SO serious!"
Listen, the events of the past several years haven't been easy on me. That's just the truth. I have felt isolated and lonely and friendless. I pointed to myself as the problem. I blamed myself and began to obsess over my looks and behavior and how I dressed as ways to make myself more likeable. But in the process I stopped liking who I was and stopped being the version of me that made the most sense.
I lost my humor and I gained a whole lot of anxiety.
Its so hard to get your bearing when your ship is constantly being tossed around, and for the first 10 years of our marriage, my ship was tossed. Around.
We moved 5 times. We gained and lost so many friends. I never really knew who to trust. Not even my husband at times. I wanted to be good for so long, only to find out in the midst of it all that my best efforts weren't even worth much.
The first of this school year, when I sent AK to school, found me to the point of having panic attacks. Heart racing and fatigue and nausea. On top of everything else, all the uncertainty about who I was surfaced and raged furiously. Because, who was I if I wasn't a mom at home with my kids?
WHO EVEN AM I?
I think, looking back on the past 3-4 years, I can say strongly that there was a depression. Not clinical or anything I needed to medicate. But a dip in life. A place of being low and being sad and being disillusioned. I don't even know that it's a bad thing. I also don't even know that it's completely over.
But I do know that my humor is finding its way back. The light hearted, sarcastic, laughing until I cry place that is so familiar and so HOME to me.
I know because there was this group of ladies who told me YOU ARE SO FUNNY and I thought, yeah. I am.
(New Years Resolution: Take a picture of myself every day for the next year. I'm never in pictures. I hate being in pictures. Also, I got "adult"braces --because I needed more things to be insecure about-)
(And basically this means that I take my picture every night at bedtime because I forgot to take it during the day)
Jan 1. Day after New Years Eve party with friends. Enough Said.
Jan 2. Vanderbilt basketball game against LSU. LSU won. Pre game dinner at Ted Montana's Grill.
Jan 3. No Makeup bed-time selfie with the 6 year old.
Jan 4. No makeup bed-time selfie with the husband. Husband being suggestive, per the usual.
Jan 5. Lunch with sweet friends and our 11 (11!) kiddos.
*please note how I refuse to open-mouth smile.
Jan 6. Me, no makeup. Blogging. Wine.